It’s a paranoid sensation that holds you back, like the perforated abyss that you try to stop yourself from falling into all the time, whereas you know it is exactly where you want to be deep aside. Be honest to yourself. Yeah true, but I could not find myself being stared at like the embroidery adorning a prince’s clothes, or being pushed at by the sentimentality of unorthodox celebration, like a wicked Mountain Man of a coastal land. It’s as crunchy as Turkish Delight, though as mysterious as midnight; the way I turned out, and what you turned me into. It’ as unexpectedly insane as it is heartening, you showed a blind man the world who has all other senses perfect, though you take away his logic. Or maybe to show a mathematics student that there are two equations; which yours and one his, and both have the same numbers on both the sides, though the signs are different. And of course, the solution would be different too. But I, driven by an impulse that I could never resist and never would, reap apart the added trouble of consequence and public opinion, and of course with my lack of originality, I went on and on, which seemed to make you happy, until one day you stopped me yourself. And so did many others, without telling it to me but simply knowing it, making my heartbeat faster with every word after. I wanted to change, but once again, deep inside I didn’t.
When I met you, you were like a little child pretending to be grown-up. You were unaware of your own self, and people were only an abomination standing upon you; your soul, whom you lived for but did not care for. It went on like this; six months, when you took a vacation to that beach-sided exotic town, which I believe is exactly where you lost some part of your awkwardness. Having come back, you were a different person; yes, that is exactly when you learnt the art of not being ordinary. You were much better, much more seismic, and that is when I began to get scared. I felt dazed. I felt mistaken. I tried to fix myself, what’s not broken is unfixable. I can only be better. However, I only worsened and worsened, shed blood and tears, which was intensified by the dreary chronicles of winter that repeat itself each year sparkling the same tragedy, (and it only seems to get bad each year). And then there was the Paris trip, where I learnt exactly how to hate. It had always been a hidden part of my soul, but it was then that I tried my best. Winter weakened and died and I began to smile, even if only for a shadowed while. But people aren’t all that mean, you thought, and you know better about how it is. That’s when I realized that I did actually want to be like you. It was February, I guess when I wrote my first piece of writing after a period of 7 months through which I had passed several gates. And it was then that your words came crying, ‘Stop! You really need to fix myself!” I tried a while. I failed. I failed a little better the next time. And that is when I gave up. I continued being the same, getting only more stupid with the guilt of time.
Until I opened a new window for myself. I enjoyed success, but not criticism, and that is when it once again all came crashing over me, people’s words. Yes. But this time I worked hard. And Saturday Nights were always waiting. I learnt to be happy. I learnt to be call myself a terrible person,(which was one of the worst things I ever did in form of my navel-gazing that was evil not only to myself but to you too). I am doing my best. I wrote again. I wrote the best thing I ever wrote. I shall be criticized, but this is one place where I shall take it without ado. And this was one of my incessant trials. I have had too many but life was always, yes it was, sweet like Turkish Delight.